Let me start off by asking for only serious, and helpful, non-demeaning answers. I'm having a really hard time as it is.
I live in the South Suburbs of Chicago and have been dealing with a lot of intense emotions over the past year. Last year my big brother was shot killed and the anniversary of his death was this passed April 16th.
It has been very hard on me and my family. I hate looking into my mom's eyes and noticing that a piece of her is missing. We have all been working together with each other and the community to stop the violence in my neighborhood to prevent more tradgedies like my brother from happening.
But even with all of the work we are doing I still have no peace of mind. I can barely sleep at night (which is why I'm up typing this at 3 in the morning), I have no motivation to do anything anymore, and I think about death ALL the time.
I wonder about what my brother must have felt when he was shot, and what it was like right before he slipped away. Did it hurt? Whats he scared? Was he thinking about us? Is there anything after or is it just darkness? A complete cease of existence?
IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! And I feel like putting my fist through a plate glass window or ramming my head into the wall to get the thoughts to stop.
But instead of risking serious injury I started cutting myself. The first time I cut was April 15, the night before the anniversary. Everyone was asleep and I was awake because I couldn't sleep and the thoughts wouldn't go away. Since I couldn't release my frustration the way I stated previously I decided to see if cutting would help. I started off with one small cut on my arm and was surprised that it didn't really hurt as much as I anticipated. I carved my brother's name into my arm twice that night. I've cut again about 5 times since then.
I only do it when I'm really stressed out and thinking about my brother. The thing that scares me is that even though I know I shouldn't and tell myself not to, the urge to cut is getting stronger everyday. Yeah the cuts sting, and when they heal they itch, and they do leave a scar. But I like it decause it distracts me from everything around me. But most of all I think I'm starting to get addicted to the sight of my brother's name etched in my skin.
No one has noticed the marks yet. But I'm afraid that I'm going to spiral out of control. For those of you who are cutters or used to cut how can I stop the urge to cut or at least stop it from getting out of control? I really have no idea what to do.