I need help with a character I am working on.?

What can I do to make the following description sound better? Also, how can I go about describing how a male half human/half snake creature with six arms sees the character when he finds the character in the description attractive.

A tall female creature that is two feet taller than that of a normal human female slithers in. You notice from the waist up she is an unclad winged female with six arms. Flaring from her back are a pair of large black dragon like wings. The joints of the wings are laced with razor-like claws and adorned with jewelry. Her face has a forehead and jaw line that is narrow with regal well-defined, cheekbones. In both pointed ears that poke through her light red hair that flows down to just below her waist, she wears a circular golden earring. Her light red brows that point upwards at an angle, curve downward three-fourths of the way lead to her dainty nose with an upward tilt to it and thick lashes that bat sweetly over her penetrating emerald green eyes. Her full luscious lips that are painted red deceives her authority. Her breasts are of large size with both nipples having a small circular gold piercing. An emerald navel ring pierced her navel. Each one of her six arms holds a wicked scimitar if it were an extension of her body. On each arm, she wears an exquisite bracelet. Her fingers are long and slender. From the waist down you notice she has the body of a twenty-six feet long constrictor with gorgeous emerald green scales.

Update:

She was originally a human female from America before being turned against her will into a female half human/half snake with six arms by an evil corporation known as ASP (Advanced Scientific Process). She was to be the first in a line of creatures to be known as a drakaina. She hates that she was turned into a half human/half snake creature against her will.

The drakainas created by ASP were created as part of them creating snake based supersoliders.

4 Answers

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  • 3 years ago
    Favourite answer

    Way too much detail. I started skimming halfway through the second line.

    This is the kind of character description you keep in your notebook as a reference, not one you put in your book - and unless this is dialogue or internal monologue, I would advice against using 2nd person POV.

    I would suggest showing us how your male character sees her and focus on the features he'd notice first. Then you can always add the rest of the description here and then when it becomes relevant:

    E.g.

    "The first thing Snakeman noticed were her breasts; each a generous handful with a gold ring in each nipple, but then he'd always been a boob man...."

    or

    "It was official, Snakeman had died and gone to heaven, and heaven was a redheaded snake woman with dazzling green eyes, black dragon wings, and a body conjured from every teen boy's wet dream..."

    or

    ... well you get the point, I'm sure. This is of course my writing style, so you'll obviously want to do a rewrite of your description in your writing style.

  • 3 years ago

    I started writing a proper edit to this but it is a long piece. Instead consider how much description you are giving here. it isn't needed. If you tell the reader through the eyes of the protagonist that this snake creature is attractive then their imagination will take care of the rest.

    In general though, be more subtle and less descriptive, use flowery language when describing her features and intersperse between the description the reaction of the protagonist and the others in the room, if there are any. As she is a snake as well, you can comment on her movements rather than her features, like a sexy sinuous sway that snakes have.

    If you like what I have to say and want to chat about it more feel free to contact me.

  • 3 years ago

    Show don't tell, it's not all about the appearance of the character. You don't need to get into so much detail.

  • 3 years ago

    A tall creature two feet taller than that of a normal human female slithers in. You notice that from the waist up she is an unclad, winged and has six arms. Flaring from her back are a pair of large black dragon like wings. The joints of the wings are laced with razor-like claws and adorned with jewellery. Her face has a forehead (really? Fukc me, that's a bit unusual innit. Maybe you want to tell us about this amazing forehead) and her jaw line is narrow with regal well-defined, cheekbones. Her pointed ears poke through her light red hair, hair that flows down to just below her waist. She wears a circular golden earring (just one? And you can see it through the hair can you? How exactly are her ears pointed, do they point up or out?). Her light red brows (Oh good, I'm glad they match her other hair) and shaped like an arrowhead made by a cross-eyed man. Thick lashes draw you towards her penetrating emerald green eyes. Her dainty nose has an upward tilt to it and her full luscious lips that are painted red deceives her authority (No idea what you mean by that). Her breasts are full and both nipples are pierced with a small gold circle. An emerald navel ring mars the perfect beauty of her muscled stomach. Each one of her six arms holds a wicked scimitar if it were an extension of her body. On each arm, she wears an exquisite bracelet. Her fingers are long and slender. From the waist down you notice she has the body of a twenty-six feet long constrictor with gorgeous emerald green scales.

    So, basically teen boy's **** dream comes in waving six swords and the jerker has time to notice all of this does he? You've got to keep your hand off it while you're writing kid. Also a bit surprised you haven't told us anything about the snake half of her. You know, if you're going to all this trouble....

    Good luck

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